I know how it feels to be in that uncomfortable place in a budding relationship where you feel all the feels, you’re definitely falling in love if you’re not already there but you know somethings’ off. Just when you feel like the relationship is going somewhere boooooom. It’s like someone dropped a bucket of freezing water over your head.
You finally decided to open yourself up, let your guard down and trust put your trust in him and Instead of feeling loved, supported and protected you feel like someone let go of the bungee cord right after you jumped off the platform.
Here’s the thing, for a relationship to be healthy and happy, emotional connection and communication must work like a highway. Information must flow both ways without obstruction. Your partner has to be in touch with his feelings, and be willing and able to be vulnerable and share how he feels with you.
Most men don’t find it easy or natural to talk about their feelings…but an emotionally available man will at least try when he cares and wants the relationship to work. Many men won’t enjoy talking about their relationships (there are always exceptions to every rule), but men who are emotionally unavailable will check out at the mere threat of having to address any deep and personal issue. They’re out before the conversation even starts.
Well I’m about to make it a whole lot easier for you to spot this early on so that you can make a decision before you’ve invested lots of your time and energy into a relationship that’s headed no where fast. Below is a list of signs I’ve compiled after much research and working with hundreds of clients to make this process easier for you.
So here are the 16 Easy to Spot Signs of Emotionally Unavailable Men:
1. They’re in a relationship with someone else (maybe married or still seeing an ex).
2. Can’t seem to be able to commit to you (there’s always an excuse, or have avoided commitment in past relationships.
3. They can’t deal with relationship conflict and tend to become emotionally distant or even shut down at the first sign of trouble.
4. Abuse alcohol, drugs, prescription medications, sex, or other substances.
5. Their focus is only on themselves and satisfying their needs a priority. Their mood automatically shifts if they perceive something or someone (you) are getting in the way.
6. You never really know how they really feel. You get only tiny insights into how their emotions and thoughts.
7. They might prefer long distance relationships. Rather use texting as a way to communicate than having conversations on the phone (or nowadays video calls).
8. They often stall introducing you to their friends, family, or coworkers.
9. May be elusive and even sneaky in order to get away with what they want. They’re frequently busy, working or tired. Workaholics is often an very common sign of emotional unavailability.
10. Disappearing for long periods of time (days or even weeks) it’s ok for them.
11. Sending you mixed messages is their way they confuse you and keep you guessing.
12. They may flirt with other women while your standing right there and then won’t give you a straight answer when you ask questions about their actions.
13. Force you to constantly try to guess or decode what they mean or how they feel.
14. They’re usually narrowly interested mainly in sex, not in connecting with you emotionally or spending time with you in socially.
15. They’re constantly going back and forth between puling you into a relationship, and then withdrawing from emotional connection or interaction and pushing you away.
16. Their actions do not match their words. They seduce you with charm and empty promises and dreams but they never follow through.
But what can I do if I’m already in a relationship with an unavailable partner?
At this point you might be asking yourself what can be done. Dating an emotionally unavailable man is stressful and energy draining. You have to live your life, run your business, be there for your family and friends and then constantly worry about the relationship. The truth is that sucks. Being involved with someone that does not emotionally reciprocate can really throw a wrench in your well oiled machined life.this emotional unavailability is not about you or
Know that his inability to engage in a meaningful relationship has nothing to do with how worthy and awesome you are.
He has deep rooted issues leading to these behaviors, so stop trying to change him, hoping, wishing, waiting and beating yourself up!
Yes, you did your part, you attracted and willingly entered into this relationship and you’re responsible for that. But that doesn’t mean there’s is something wrong with you.
What you can focus on is doing the conscious work of becoming self aware of why you welcomed into your life a man that was emotionally unavailable. Self discovery is the key for you to create that amazing relationship you desire. You’ll become sharper and more confident. And you’ll be able to quickly determine if a man is for you before you’re already all tangled up emotionally in a relationship that has no future.
The partner you want IS OUT THERE. He already exists. He’s just waiting, just like you.
A man that can communicate and enter a loving, supportive and worthwhile relationship with you wants you.
Let’s put what you’ve learned to practice:
If a traumatic event occurs that normally triggers an emotional reaction in the majority of the population (like death, accident or illness of a family member or friend or a conflict with a co-worker or lost of a job) check for his reaction.
Ask him how he feels about it. In this case you instigate the conversation about his feelings. This signals that it is fine for him to talk about it with you. Then wait for his reaction. Does he open up and share or dismiss it altogether.
Emotionally unavailable men maintain control of a relationship by staying focused on their own wants and needs and not sharing intimate details about themselves and their lives. Start the engagement by volunteering information. He didn’t ask about your day at work? Tell him anyway. Then ask about his day. Then see if he skirts the subject or pays attention and contributes to the conversation.
As you start to get to know one another notice how he treats others. If he doesn’t show empathy or kindness towards others, you might want to consider the whole relationship.
A man who can recognize and take ownership of his own previous relationship mishaps is worth taking seriously. When a man cannot accept his responsibilities in broken relationship that means he cannot receive insight, learn and change. He will then bring the old into new relationships. You could probably just end up being the next “crazy ex” in his his string of broken relationships. Because in his mind nothing is ever going to be his doing.
If a man is going through a difficult situation and tells you he needs space to deal with it. It’s ok to give it. But is also acceptable to ask him for a timeline. Avoidance is a common way emotional unavailable men deal with conflict. If you give him the space he needed and he keeps asking for more and avoids engaging with you, it might be time to move on.
We all know that when the relationship is new hormones are all over the place. Sex is new and exciting. It’s ok that you both are very into it. But if sex feels like it’s the center of the entire relationship, you might want to pause and try to connect in other deeper ways. Plan a a hike with a picnic lunch, a show downtown, or a day at the lake. These activities give both of you the opportunity to have deeper and meaningful conversations. If you give it a good try but he still just wants to sex it up, you might want to think twice about this relationship.
The truth is that women are natural nurturers. We tend to want to “fix” men. Start by recognizing that you are not his therapist and he is not a project. If your partner has real emotional issues with attachment, he needs to seek professional help on his own. Because he really wants to change. Not because you’re forcing him. If that’s not something he’s really willing to do, you might want to save yourself some grief and move on.
You may notice a lot of these scenarios end with you moving on. That’s because you deserve more, no man is worth you settling for second best and being part of in an unloving or uncaring relationship. Your job is take care of yourself until you’re ready to welcome a loving and emotionally available partner.
I understand this can be difficult because we want to be loved. I guarantee the rewards are so much more satisfying when you’re finally enjoying life with your soul mate.
Try these free downloads if you are ready for a Sexy, Simple Love.
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You’re ready to find your soulmate and create a loving and respectful long term relationship.